TransmutedLife

Portfolio and Internets

2011-11-17T18:48:00.001-05:00

I haven't shown you my art portfolio yet, have I? I have just been posting works in progress and nevershowing you someof my finished works. So here is my portfolio. (It takes a long time for the site to load). If I could point out this piece particularly, because its one of my most favorite. I kind of want to explain all of the symbolism in it, but this is neither an art class, nor an interview, so you can interpret it how you like. It is not like the symbolism is all that subtle anyway. Here is a pic that is awesome. (I didn't draw it but i am wearing a hat like that now)

Trainer Game Promo 2 and Rant

2011-11-16T23:02:00.000-05:00

I've been transferring everything over to illustrator, cause guess what? that is what you're supposed to work with vectors in. But, guess what? Its not very vector friendly, still can't remember how to delete anchors. I just want an adobe product to be user friendly, okay. I'm getting sick of important stuff being hidden in a menu. The pathfinder tool is crucial when you're used to clipping masks, but it only took me 20 minutes to find this out by researching on the internet. I suppose I should stop complaining about my noob problems with adobe software and start posting pics.

Clearly, i haven't gotten a whole lot of new stuff done. Been playing Dragon Quest Monsters Joker 2. Normally really long names but me off any sort of product, because usually they try to sell a terrible product (or because they have terrible marketing) with extra syllables. Also, the male trainer looks weird, I know, that is going to be next on the to-do list, after moving the ridiculous number of shape layers over to illustrator, one layer at a time. Also, trying to find a full body shot of Mint from the Pokemon GameBoy card game. Also, why is it called a Game-BOY, it just bothered me right now. I know, the target audience was boys, but I am glad that they widened their marketing to include girls. You know what is a great game marketed for girls? Cutie Pop! Street Fashion Simulation. It sounds like a lame dress-up/shop simulation game, and it is that, only not lame, mainly because it has awesome music. Also, pretty damn near every fashion style ever created. I like to pretend to use it as a resource when designing costumes, only I don't because I don't really design costumes, I just give my characters practical clothing that all kind of has the same silhouette (unless its ethnic clothing, in which case, I just use that), because I just like drawing similar characters, I don't like putting more work into stuff that is probably going to be trashed in 6 months. (I scan the best of a sketchbook when I finish one, and then put the sketchbook in storage to make room for more toys).

Dress-up flash game and Venasaur promo

2011-11-06T22:27:00.000-05:00

I'm working on a flash dress-up game, of course pokemon-themed. Here are some preview photos of the artwork, as I am still working on that. There is a boy-trainer part, but I have only finished the sketches on that, and they are very sketchy sketches, as I am doing vectors, as vectors are the best for web (and are way super easy). It is gonna be quality work, like doll divine dress-up games, with a nice variety of skin tones and the ability to change the color of the clothes (I am going to figure out how to do all of this on flash, though, cause I don't know how do to complicated stuff on it yet.) If you want to know what happened to the starter pokemon thing, Venasaur happened, as you can see in the second sketch below.(frikkin palm leaves, hate them so much, I love patterns but oh, the palm leaves, I suppose it would help if there were some around to look at.)

Ivysaur

2011-10-02T17:57:00.000-04:00

fun with sculpy: pre-bake

2011-09-26T18:28:00.000-04:00

The whole story starts with this, which I really wanted to buy, because it is awesome and really well-made (I am super picky about toys, which i still love even though I am 22). But anyway, I couldn't justify buying it to myself, so I bought sculpy to make my own "models" (i mean dolls). Still not as awesome as the Monster High ones though, but here is what i have so far in playing with sculpy.

bulbasaur

2011-09-25T22:37:00.000-04:00

I like making detailed, textured pictures, I also like Poke'mon. So I am making what I think real-life Poke'mon might look like. This is going to end up as all of the original starter real-life Poke'mon, or just the bulbasaur evolutions if I run out of time.

Deseret Promo 1

2011-09-25T15:44:00.000-04:00

During 2009-2010, I was drawing a lot of and thinking a lot about monsters, but subconsciously only drawing a specific kind of monster in a specific place. They don't live in the poetical sense; they exist hour to hour, staring at the red sun as it makes rounds near the horizon or staring at the shadows at their feet. The lucky ones wander in circles or cry for the things they have lost. It is a particular kind of hell that my subconscious has created for them. Also, there are bunnies, bunnies with one long claw that they use to cut up flesh into bite-size bunny pieces.

Monsters

2010-01-26T06:08:00.000-05:00

Monsters are not just terrifying mixtures of animals and humans that want to destroy you, they are also intangible struggles, temptations and weaknesses. The monster that chases me is depression. Not just struggling with the sickness itself (which is hard enough) but with my false beliefs associated with it. Namely, my severe disappointment in myself when it causes me to change my plans and activities-mainly I have been struggling with falling asleep at a reasonable time and then sleeping through my classes. I want to pass them, I need to get good grades so I don't get on probation but somehow, I am not doing what I really wish to do. It is my monster. I want to kill it, to drive it away from my life with any means possible. But it is difficult to get anything done when the hours that you can do anything are from 7 pm-4 am. And the more I sleep the more I feel unwell and the more I sleep. It is awful.

Where does art come from? and other stupid questions

2009-11-21T13:43:00.005-05:00

You want to know where art comes from? You want to know how artists get inspiration? I really don't know either, but i will give you my experiences and opinions so you can stop asking stupid questions and statements like: Where do you get your inspiration from? So, you are an artist? And especially, Would you do a picture of me? Oh, and the one I hate the most "Well, I can only draw stick figures and not very well"

Okay the second to last last one doesn't really relate but seriously, if I wanted to do a picture of you, I would have asked. And you don't really expect us to say yes, but you put us in the difficult position of saying no politely, when really we just think you are ignorant and annoying for asking us in the first place.

Where do you get you inspiration from? Living. Inspiration comes from putting two or more disparate thoughts together into a cohesive idea. Usually it is things I have been thinking about for a long time, things I like or have just learned about. These come from living my life. I cannot pick a specific date where I thought "I'm gonna do a piece about this." It just evolves out of my subconscious into my conscious and onto the paper and just grows from there.
Better questions to ask are: So what have you been interested in lately? What books are you reading? Who are you taking classes from? What other artists do you like? These are much more meaningful and would illuminate much more to your understanding than the initial question. As a plus, the artist will think you are intelligent and awesome.

So, you are an artist? [always followed by, What is it like?] I hate this one and, other similar ones. I think all professions hate those, cause they love their jobs and think they are important, so how can you sum up what you do so it will be interesting and express why you love it; even though the person that asked really doesn't care what you say.

"What is being an artist like?"
"well, I wake up at 6 pm, kill some kittens, eat them and then from 8pm-4am use their blood to make paintings."
"That is cool." . . . you did not listen to what i just said, did you?

I don't kill kittens by the way. I like kittens. But this kind of not paying attention thing happens a lot.
Being an artist is like being anything else. You get an idea, think and plan it out and then execute it. Only artists use cool things like paint, foam, clay, wood and pretty much anything and everything else. The planning takes about 10-30% of the time and making the art takes 100% of the time. Okay, the actual drawing/painting/whatever is the rest.
But do not think that these are consecutive, sometimes you get an idea and you don't know what to do with it, so you start drawing it and the idea evolves, so you draw some more, and it becomes more complicated, you run into problems, you draw some more and it may or may not get resolved and you may or may not get something visually worthwhile. Then you get another idea and you work on something else.
Being an artist involves a lot of thinking in addition to drawing or whatever.

Which brings me to the most hated question/statement of all: "I can only draw stick figures." Seriously, the next person that says that is going to get this rant, I don't care if it is my own mother or sister-whoever says that after hearing that I am an artist has it coming. You are warned.
Art is not about drawing-it is what we do, certainly-but it is not what art is about.
Art is thinking and executing. It is about teaching, learning, experiencing, showing others what we what them to see and experience for themselves. It is not about the medium; it is not about telling everyone that we are cooler than you cause we know how to do things you do not. You know things that we do not and we do not hold that against you.
I became an artist because I wanted to learn-(You are like- well, you could do anything and learn. sush, i'm not done)-I wanted to learn about people, about nature, about the world and society and technology and language and history and myself and you. I want to know it all; to understand and become one with the world i live in and teach others what I have learned so they can become one with me. This is in the metaphysical sense: me=sum of my experiences you+my experiences=you+me=>something greater. Technically, this is all communication, not just art, but artists are the only ones that I have seen who think about this daily and work towards it. Artists are modern-day philosophers. "There are many teachers of philosophy but few philosophers [because all the philosophers have moved to being artists]." Thoreau.

So when you equate art with drawing well-it is insulting. (also when someone comes over and sees me working and says: Aren't you an artist. yes, yes, I am. duh. go away so i can make my art.) Art is the combination of ideas and craftsmanship. You do not get art at all if you say it is just craftsmanship. Anyone can learn to draw but few use their skills for the greater good.
Also, that statement has the assumption that I was born with a paintbrush and pencil in my hands, scribbling masterpieces into the walls of my childhood home. While it would be kind of cool to own up to, it is completely false. I worked and am still working very very hard to draw and paint and use all other media well. These are skills that you have to learn. You could draw well too if you cared enough to work hard for years to learn how to do it. I certainly did, and I am doing and living every every day fulfilling my dreams. So do not insult me by saying that i do not work for what i believe in.

So stop saying stupid things when i say that I am an artist. Really, stop.

Art Project

2009-11-21T13:06:00.006-05:00

I started an art project that is a metaphorical view that a person with depression might have. I am very excited about it, as it is the first full-scale project that is gallery-worthy that I have done. I am hesitant about whether the singular pieces might be, but i am going to develop them more; but the concept and the cumulative effect is definitely worthy.
The concept is that depress changes a person's point of view so that the world becomes a frightening place full of monsters. Or rather, monsters were used in medieval times to represent various aspects of the human condition; death, trials, temptations and the like-so i am going to use them to represent depression, also in the medieval woodcut style. Also, an FYI, not that i will talk about this in the project, but in my experience, people with depression come to love the idea of monsters, because they feel themselves to be subhuman, and monsters are outwardly subhuman. But this confuses the issue somewhat, so the only place you will hear about that is here and if you ask me in person.
The important thing is that depression changes the way you think and view the world.
The style is, as I said, medieval woodcut. I think it would be better if they were prints, (not woodcuts, though, i do have a life now) but i do not know how, so for now, they are just pen on paper.
And if some people think that i shouldn't talk about projects in progress. why not? it is not the concept that is hard-but the execution. so if someone else is inspired by what i am doing, feel free to make something similar. I think ideas should be free-but the work involved in making them real is not.

2009-05-02T15:53:00.006-04:00

I made a day planner page yesterday. One just a listing of hours and one that set up my day so I could plan things in accord with my mental state in the day. The font is alba matter.

Shaving

2009-03-01T22:52:00.005-05:00

I have always wondered what it was like to have no hair. It is one of those experiences that you can't really know until you have done it. And for me, it goes beyond mere curiosity, it is a half-fulfilled wish, a might have been, because I could shave my hair off if i really wanted and find out. So every time the subject pops up in my head, there is always that half-fulfilled feeling, a train of thought I can never finish until I have that experience. There is a sort of beauty on making a decision and sticking with it. An austere grace. And the older i get, the less chances I will have to have these experiences, because people will expect less out of me in that fashion. Hopefully not though, i want to keep breaking expectations forever, but to do that, I need to have started years ago, but I can always start now.

----22 days later:
I still kind of want to do this, but right now, it would not be worth the trouble for mere curiosity and garnering attention. Perhaps some other time, then.

getting an LED tan

2009-02-28T03:17:00.006-05:00

So I spent the entire day on my laptop, not coloring in Photoshop, like I normally would be(i can kick butt in Photoshop, and am hoping to be able to work at the library, teaching people how to use computer programs), but working on my final class lab for 8 hours and then editing audio in Audacity. I am so excited to have learned how to use Audacity today. (Now just for Blender and MewaFilm and I will know a lot more than I do). But I also learned today that I still have quite a bit of self-confidence to gain.Because I am still acting my quiet self in the computer lab.In my heart, I really just want to be a nerd, but I can never be truly accepted, for I do not like videogames (excepting katamari and poke'mon), programming is only a limited fun and i am not actually all that bright. I like photoshop, mixed media artwork and audacity. . . and dreaming.(oh no, the tiny house got smashed since I have last been here, how very sad) And I have a terrible headache, bad me.(also my obsession with poke'mon is more than i will ever admit to anyone, even now I am still terribly disappointed that poke'mon do not actually exist, so i can never be a poke'mon trainer)

hmmmm

2009-02-16T20:22:00.003-05:00

Lots of things happening, or rather not (at least today). A major problem I have encountered lately is trying to find both server space and a domain name. I have read p on it, but that hasn't helped the fact that I have no money. But I suppose it is not crucial, as I still do not know flash actionscript, though I hope by the end of the semester that will be remedied. When I finally do find some, i will have a freakishly awesome web site. But still, the money dilemma.. .

In January:

2009-02-03T00:26:00.005-05:00

Since the month of my last post, I have:
learned a great portion of HTML
learned middling CSS
learned Javascript (only a little bit, it is still difficult for me)
learned basics of how to use Linux systems
am a great deal better in figure drawing
learned a great deal about events and ideas in 1-2 kings, Job, Psalms
read at least a dozen books and even more short stories
learning about scared geometry, which is fascinating
started the idea/got materials for a series of cute little thread and paper images
resolved to start on an idea that has been rattling around in my brain for months, if I buckle down, I think I can get this done by next fall
met several very cute boys and have initiated conversations with them

learned the basics of pixel art and have done some little images
realized that I am basically going to college to become an odd sort of web artist and realized that that is exactly what i want to do with my life
Dressed as a pirate several times, just because i wanted to
received praise from my figure drawing teacher
went to at least six lectures about art, four on religion and one on global warming
became driven to learn things on my own
wanted to work on something great with my siblings, to make something to make us come together, because I know we can do something great as a family

I do not say these things to brag, but as a confirmation that for all the things I did not do last month, i still got a great deal accomplished and should be happy in that fact.

Start of class thoughts

2009-01-07T18:43:00.000-05:00

For this semester of classes, I did not want a repeat of last semester, where I felt physically ill from the workload, which i lay plainly and gleefully at the feet of CS 142, an intro to programming course of 4 credits, but actually took over 20 hours of my week. But my hopes and wishes were dashed at the first class in which the professor announced that the workload would be the same as that despised class. But I get to develop my own web site, from idea to code to site. I am actually really excited. And by accidentally taking it in conjunction with a HTML/CSS class (I thought it was writing for the web, cause that is what the name was), i will have enough knowledge to strike out on my own and widen the unending horizons of the virtual frontier.
My drawing class, however seems just as difficult, if not more so, as i spent the 3 hours in class debating the meanings of words, truth and the meaning of art until I was about to collapse and beyond that. He is a strange man, picky, harsh but he is dedicated not only to making art but learning about the philosophy and meanings of and inside art. And all of this thinking, debating caused me to volunteer to sign my name in blood if that is what it took to learn the meaning of art, despite the responsibility of that knowledge. And strangely, it gives me comfort, because if the professor actually did ask for my signature one day, I would give it to him, and everything else he is asking us to sacrifice(such as ballpoint pens and twenty-five dollars for a compasses) seems meaningless. And it is meaningless beside the fact of becoming a person who has mastered art. I do not want to be a person who makes work that is nice or pretty, I want to make things that cause people to be filled with wonder, that cause them to think. I want to change the world with my art, and so resenting these small sacrifices is petty.And I would have never discovered this without going to such extremes.

You may think that signing is blood is weird and somewhat ominous or evil. Perhaps, but it was only a symbol of how far that we were going to go to learn. I believe he just wanted to weed out people who were not dedicated, as he spent the time not arguing with the students, telling us that he was a mean, crotchety, terrible old professor. (And the whole time I was wondering, does he still get paid if no one goes to his classes? Cause that would make sense)

Experimentations in printing

2008-12-17T21:05:00.000-05:00

Here are my experimentations in printing over the past week:

In printing, ink is built up, white on the computer is no ink, so the paper shows through, and the ink is built up to black, where the ink is really thick. This is kind of obvious, but is the basic rule for printing on different papers.

Some tips for printing on different paper:
1.If the paper/cardboard is too thick, the printer will not accept it. I had some left-over cardboard back cover of a sketchbook, and it was too thick. But, on the oppisite side, thinner paper will not be able to hold the ink and will crumple or sag. So choose ap paper that is thick, but not too thick.
2.thick paint does not hold ink well(see #1), to ink over it, you need small splotches where you can form the picture around the paint and keep it understandable(see#6), unless you like the shadow of ink.
3.I am also assuming thick layers of color pencil does the same thing, but I need to test it. Thin layers looks cool though(see #4).
4.paper already printed on only works if it is matte, not slick. Slick just makes the ink pool on top.
paper that is already dark doesn't work too well, as ink only adds darkness on top, stick with light to medium shades.
5.Also highly contrasting shade variation in patterns doesn't work too well, unless the pattern is small (see #2). But patterns with similar shades looks cool.
6.Check the color of the hue first, especially if it is gray, it looks kinda weird if you guess that the hue is yellowish, so you make the photo green only do find out the gray is actually a greenish-gray.

Next: printing on homemade paper.
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Also, please do not redistribute pictures, because even though it is illegal as stated on the front page, these pictures are of my friends and even though I like these pictures, I am not sure they will. Also it would be creepy to find your pic on a random website, so don't do it.

Christmas Excitement

2008-12-17T03:35:00.000-05:00

I never used to be the person excited for Christmas, not even as lots of free stuff day, Normally, I thought people got too excited, that it was over commercialized, that it lost the true meaning. But now that I no longer live at home with my family, I think differently. I am becoming excited going home to be with my family, to exchange tokens of our love for one another and celebrate my family. I am enjoying trying to find gifts for people that they will love, where normally, it seems like a chore.(But it might also be my new printer, an early Christmas present that has greatly simplified the creation of photos as gifts) People like looking at themselves, recalling memories and such, and it is a fairly easy but thoughtful present to give people photos you have taken over the year of them and their friends. Also now that I have a printer of my own, I can experiment with printing on non-canon(as in the definition, not the company) papers, such as ones that have already been printed on, ones with ink or pencil lines underneath and different colored paper to print photos on.(which has really been the driving force for me wanting one anyway, that and the fact that it takes 30 min to get one printed on campus) Also I spent all today, where I should have been studying for my finals setting up my computer for Christmas. I think it is awesome. A wallpaper from DP Studios on Deviantart that I darkened a bit, some mixed icons also from Deviantart and a script for Samurize as a countdown until the day. (But i wanted to learn how to use Samurize anyway and the countdown will be useful for upcoming assignments and stuff later)

Also, I will also be glad to have this semester over with, as the combined pressure of art and programming and the creative writing class has been crushing my spirit. And while I am going to be taking 5 hours less of classes next semester, i also have signed up for some 300 level classes in addition to the basic web class and writing for the web. Also I should get filling out that paperwork for the 2nd major before I run out of credits by taking too many humanities classes.

Writing at 2 am in the dark bedroom where my roommates are trying to sleep us not helping this blog any, is it?

Why You Should Care about Space Debris. (9 of 9)

2008-12-03T13:00:00.000-05:00

Satellites are now vital to many aspects of scientific and technological exploration, along with the communicative and societal aspects, which is a far cry from the first satellite launch 45 years ago. But in addition to the expansion of satellites, there has also been an explosion in the amount of space debris, the creation of possibly hundreds of millions of pieces of human trash orbiting the Earth and putting those satellites and human space exploration at great risk because of the vast destructive nature of space collisions. This is a purely human-caused problem, but the people and counties that should be addressing and forming ways to alleviate it, do not and are not presently enough. They are, instead, pursuing courses that will only intensify the problem, and they do so because of the fact that many are not even aware of the fact of space debris, and fewer still are aware and are concerned about the ramifications of the sheer amount of garbage orbiting the Earth. But space debris exists and it is an issue that needs to be solved soon, before human civilization goes down a path that leads to the ruin of the future use of Earth’s orbits.

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I posted this on the internet not to show off on what a good job I did, but to be able to fulfill this essay's purpose, to convince people that they should be aware of space debris.

Space Law (8 of 9)

2008-12-02T13:00:00.000-05:00

Space law is simply, the laws in space, as created by the UN Committee on the Peaceful Uses of Outer Space (COPUOS), but since space is a communally-owned territory, like Antarctica, they cannot be enforced readily. The current laws are worded vaguely and rather loosely, making them difficult, if possible, to enforce. The UN has no enforcement powers, so for its proposed laws to be passed, each country has to adopt it on its own, and since no country would agree to a resolution that would limit its decisions, the more loosely-worded a proposed law is, the more countries that would adopt it. But this is not to say that these laws are followed, even when they are passed. For example, in 1979, the United States’ Skylab crashed in Western Australia, scattering debris over hundreds of miles. There was in effect a liability law that the US and Australia had adopted that which allowed a suing for damages if harmed by a falling spacecraft to the country that launched the spacecraft. Australia could have sued the US, but only the Esperance Shire of Australia fined Government of the United States of America for the littering of Skylab, the old space station. But the US never paid. (Taggart, 2001)
ut this lack of care about the repercussions of space debris is not just in the past, but also fully in the present. In 2002, George W Bush withdrew the US from the1972 Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty with the Soviet Union, which prohibited placing weapons in space, to develop the “Brilliant Pebbles” proposed missile defense program, which consists of space-based lasers and interceptor missiles. (Primack, 2002) This step of the United States government only leads the US and the world much closer to the weaponization of space, the deterioration of the currently very lackluster space laws and agreements, not to mention putting at risk the now common use of orbital space satellites in modern-day life.

The Weaponization of Space (7 of 9)

2008-12-01T13:00:00.000-05:00

In early January 2007, China exploded one of their derelict weather satellites, the Fengyun- 1C, in orbit, using it to test their new anti-satellite weapons system. They sent a suicide-missile to smash into the forgotten satellite, creating an explosion and a massive cloud of debris. To current knowledge, it created approximately 2,600 pieces of trackable debris (>1.5 inches) and an estimated 150,000 fragments larger than .4 inches; a veritable destruction of space orbit, the worst breakup of recorded space use. (NASA, 2008). Before that incident, the major events that created space debris were due to old rocket bodies with unused fuel unpredictably exploding, months or years after they were abandoned in orbit. Before this event, the greatest event in terms of the amount of space debris created was in 1996, when a discarded American rocket engine exploded, creating 713 fragments. (Broad, 2007) While it is still a major problem that scientists should and are trying to alleviate, the threat of the weaponization of space is much more menacing to the future of space use.

he main problem is that most people see space battles with the “Star Wars effect” in mind, from the classic science fiction series released in the 1970s, in which the targeted object explodes into nothingness, the matter making it up dissipating, leaving empty space left behind. An unreal scenario. An explosion in space creates thousands of pieces of refuse blasting out in every direction, into every orbit, putting all of the other space vessels at risk for tens to hundreds of years in the future. Another problem of sending things into space is that they might stay up there for a long period of time depending on the orbit, with some orbits lasting forever, while some will renter very quickly. In low earth orbit, if an object’s orbit is at less than 124 miles (just under usable low earth altitude), the orbit will only last a few days until reentering the atmosphere, if it is between 124 and 373 miles, it will have an orbit of a few years until reentry, if 372 to 497 miles, a few decades, and if greater than 497 miles, than it will remain orbiting for centuries. (NASA, 2005) And while the fragments of the Fengyun-1C had every low earth altitude orbit, the majority was in the 466 to 621 mile range, which expects that most of the debris will remain in orbit for a very long time.
Afterwards, it was leaked that the Chinese scientists in charge of studying the effects of the anti-ballistic missile test on the Fengyun-1C predicted that the huge explosion would happen, with disastrous effects, but the persons in charge of the test didn’t seem to take this into account. But the only real repercussion for China due to the incident was to cancel a debris discussion with the UN that has been scheduled beforehand, out of embarrassment. But that is the problem with the current space laws; they are easily circumnavigated or forgotten if a particular county feels like it is reasonable, because most do not see debris as a real problem, and those that do are hindered by the laxness and lack of enforcement of the space laws.

The Picture of Dorian Gray

2008-12-01T00:10:00.000-05:00

During the past week, I have read the picture of Dorian Gray. It was unsettling, more so than any other book that I have read, not only so because of the cover (in which the artist tried to recreate the portrait and so really requires a cover for the cover), but also the fact that the author (Oscar Wilde) is brilliant but seems morally flawed somehow. Or perhaps it is because he is trying to represent the time he was living in, because, as in all times, the world seems wrong, seems like it is lavishing in the moral and social crimes, existing for existence's sake. It was a constant fight with the words written in the book, as most books that dwell on the decadent only list the crimes, not explain the reasons for them. Harry's words not only spoke to Dorian, but to the reader, me, and his logical arguments were convincing in the fact that they are similar to or were beliefs that i held to at one time, but they were skewed, made immoral, as they were used to justify immoral things. But for all of that, logical, painfully sensible. This story was entirely realistic, entirely sane in the fact that there was no justice to it all. Is there ever justice? I wish i can someone to have a lengthy discussion about this, but there never is someone to discuss literature with. Novels certainly, popular culture certainly, but never literature.

How Space Debris is Currently Handled-part 2 (6 of 9)

2008-11-29T13:00:00.000-05:00

The mitigation or the slowing of growth, of debris consists of limiting the debris released during normal operations, minimizing in-orbit break-ups and collisions and to seeking to dispose of the spacecraft after its useful lifetime, either by placing in an unused (graveyard) orbit or to de-orbit it, sending it back to Earth. (IADC, 2007) In 2004, The FCC required that to receive a FCC license and continue transmitting, all U.S.-licensed satellites launched after March 18, 2002, will have to be retired in a graveyard orbit after their useful lives (de Selding, 2004). While this is a commendable effort, it is a problem for most of the commercial satellite companies, because the amount of fuel to send the spacecraft into an unused orbit equals 3 months of normal use. And this also quite is difficult to enforce, because much of the time satellites malfunction of are stopped in some way from changing orbits. So while the current method for dealing with the space debris problem by mitigation and shielding seems to work, it cannot be maintained at current levels and keep space usable at current or increased loads in the future. For one of the major problems of space debris is that even if no more spacecraft are deployed and no more potential debris introduced, the amount of space debris would still increase, as proposed by the Kessler syndrome.
The Kessler syndrome, as discovered by Donald J Kessler, formerly head of the NASA orbital debris program office, posits that when the number of debris in orbit reach a critical mass, than it reaches a domino effect of destruction and debris called collisional cascading.
his is when the debris created from one collision or explosion spreads out and causes another collision which then creates more debris and so on, creating a steady growth of damaging space debris that greatly decreases the potential for orbital space use. This decrease of use would be due to the sheer amount of speeding, colliding debris that would destroy a spacecraft in a matter of months or days, or would require so much shielding that, except for the wealthiest of organizations, it would be economically impossible to launch spacecraft that size. Despite this worrying predicament, the required critical mass has been reached in most of the commonly used low earth orbits because of the almost unchecked growth of space debris, due to a lack of concern. The future of space use is too important to risk. The world has become so heavily dependent and benefited so much from artificial satellites in only 45 years, that allowing Earth’s orbit to become a debris cage for the Earth is a step backwards, away from the technological and space age. But it sometimes seems that the countries of the world are taking that step backwards by arranging to weaponize space.

How Space Debris is Currently Handled-part 1 (5 of 9)

2008-11-26T13:00:00.000-05:00

The current policy of the US (and all other countries) is to not seek ways to get rid of debris, just to diminish the growth of it. The most recent statement, from the United States’ National Space Policy says,
"Orbital debris poses a risk to continued reliable use of space-based services and operations and to the safety of persons and property in space and on Earth. The United States shall seek to minimize the creation of orbital debris by government and non-government operations in space in order to preserve the space environment for future generations."(USNSP, 2006)

The existing management of the problem of space debris is a combination of monitoring the larger debris and shielding orbital spacecraft from the smaller debris. The monitoring is done by The US Space Surveillance Network with a combination of satellites and ground-based radars, tracking debris larger than 3.9 inches in low earth orbit (124 vertical miles to 1240 vertical miles), where the majority of the satellites are, and larger than 3 feet in geosynchronous orbit (22,236 vertical miles), where there are approximately 300 satellites. The debris is tracked every day to predict and prevent collisions with spacecraft. Satellites and The International Space Station can be maneuvered out of the way of larger pieces of debris if given sufficient time to plan and implement beforehand and shielding can protect the spacecraft from the smallest debris (<.4 inches), even though it cannot be tracked. But even the smallest debris can ruin some satellites. For example, a single-tether satellite was rendered useless by a small particle severing the tether, losing its most recent information payload and requiring immediate action to stabilize it. But the middle range from .4 inches to 3.9 inches is classified as the debris “threat”, since debris that size can smash a satellite into more useless and dangerous debris, but technology to shield against that size of debris isn’t practically or economically feasible for most spacecraft, and it is too small to allow radars and other observational equipment to track it.

Why are Satellites so Important?-part 2 (4 of 9)

2008-11-25T13:00:00.000-05:00

Satellites are also used to observe space, to find out the mysteries, laws and events of the cosmos. Space is ideal for this because most of the emissions from space, x-ray, gamma and such, are blocked out by the Earth’s atmosphere. This atmospheric shield is perfect to sustain life, but becomes rather annoying when you want to know what goes on beyond Earth and in space. Figure 3 shows clearly the percentage of each electromagnetic wavelength that goes through the Earth’s atmosphere, and some of the satellites utilized to observe space on their differing wavelength frequencies. The far left represents gamma rays, x-rays and ultraviolet light. The rainbow on the left side represents the visible light spectrum, which is partially blocked by the atmosphere but is monitored by the Hubble and land-based telescopes. The middle is the infrared range. The right shows the only range that is let fully though, the mid-range radio waves, which are monitored on Earth. The chart clearly shows that the range of full and even partial clarity of wavelength is small, showing the necessity of space-observing satellites. With all of the additional wavelengths to study, it increases that many more chances to learn about the universe.
So if these satellites are becoming so increasingly important, is there so much space trash? The space age is only 45 years old, but already the 680.4 tons of space debris make placing anything in space hazardous, especially the more fragile elements of satellites. But if the larger fragments, if objects the size of a softball are considered large, can demolish a satellite with one errant twist in an orbit, why are the smaller fragments, from the .4 and 3.9 inch range, are the ones that are classified as threats by the debris scientists. The smaller debris are almost untrackable and can do considerable damage, because they cannot be detected but can still mutilate spacecraft. But even the tiniest debris, the paint chips the size of a fingernail, are hazardous, for they can form clouds of speeding fragments that can strip an object with the destructive force of a sandblaster, corrupting the satellite elements.

--------------------------------
Figure 3 was created by NASA and the European Space Agency (ESA)

What are satellites so important?-part 1 (3 of 9)

2008-11-25T01:00:00.000-05:00

There exists a recent surge in demand of continually available up-to-the-minute information; so satellite-based telecommunications businesses, including, radio, television and telephony, have a huge potential commercial profit, especially to places where traditional cable isn’t feasible, leading to an increase in satellite communications. For example, DirecTV, a major satellite television company that was started in 1994, has 14 satellites in geosynchronous orbit, each costing hundreds of millions of dollars to construct and But there also exists a much wider variety of use with these communication satellites, which are used for direct-to-home television channels and packages, broadcast feeds to and from television networks and local member stations, distance education by schools and universities, business television, videoconferencing, and to distribute national cable channels (such as ESPN, CNN, or HBO) to the cable TV receiver and satellite TV stations. Satellites are also used to distribute satellite radio, sending digital radio streams across the entire continental US, and satellite telephony, a necessity in extremely isolated areas, such as Mount Everest and the savannahs of Africa or other less exotic, but equally remote areas where cell phone towers do not reach or exist.
But satellites are also relied upon for GPS, a staple in modern American navigating, civil planning and scientific research. GPS, or Global Positioning System (the nickname of the U.S. NAVSTAR Global Navigation Satellite System (GNSS)), which is made of a network of 24 satellites in geosynchronous orbit, an orbit that allows a satellite to return to exactly the same place in the sky at exactly the same time each day, which allows continually transmitted time and position information that, used in a system of triangulation, allow one to find a receiver/transmitter’s precise location anywhere across the world. The recent and quite complete success and dependence upon the United States’ NAVSTAR GNSS also has inspired other countries to launch their own GNSS networks such as The European Union’s Galileo Positioning system, China’s COMPASS, Japan’s QZSS, India’s IRNSS and the restoration of Russia’s GLONASS. GNSS, along with aerial pictures from weather or other earth-observing satellites, is responsible for the recent jump in information about the world and the infamous Google Maps and similar programs, and allowing for a precise time reference (atomic time) used in earth sciences and telecommunication networks, enhanced 911, more efficient search and rescue, in addition to the more precise and more rapid creation of geospatial information systems, which are used in navigation programs that tell you how far you might be to a place such as a restaurant or museum, for instance, but are used in various occupations such as: environmental impact evaluations, urban planning, criminology, history, sales and marketing.

Artifical Satellites and Orbital debris( 2 of 9)

2008-11-22T13:00:00.000-05:00

Artificial satellites are used in almost every business or even for personal use. From satellite communications, earth science, astronomy, urban planning, to tracking packages and monitoring weather patterns and natural disasters, satellites are becoming increasingly essential to the modern way of business and life. For example, enhanced 911, in which the emergency station finds the location of the caller, depends upon GPS satellites for most mobile phones. And weather tracking and imaging, vital to air and water traffic and a great help to everyone else, is greatly dependent upon the images that weather satellites provide. So, far from abandoning space after the final moon landing in 1972, space use has only been expanded. In 2007 alone, there were 68 orbital launches and 22 spacewalks worldwide, 19 of those to maintenance artificial satellites. The US and the world have come to depend upon these orbiting satellites, necessitating the tracking and use of thousands of them.
Space debris is considered a problem because of the collisions between spacecraft, especially satellites, and debris. Figure 1 shows the distribution of observable debris (>3.9 inches) in Earth’s orbit, while Figure 2 shows the distribution of satellites in Earth’s orbit. This comparison shows the correlation between the most commonly used orbits and the amount of debris they possess. While spacecraft are made out of extremely durable material, the main problem lies in the large velocities that objects have in orbiting the earth. In space, a .4 inch aluminum sphere in an average orbital velocity of about 16.1 miles/sec has the equivalent velocity of a bowling ball moving at 300 miles/hour. (NASA, n.d.) So while a great deal of the mass of the satellite may be due to the shielding, it usually is not enough to protect against larger debris. And that debris has an especially dehabilitating effect on artificial satellites with their more delicate elements such as memory chips, solar cells and observational lenses that are easily corrupted. So a collision between debris and a satellite is always disastrous to both the information payload on the satellite and the usefulness of the satellite afterwards.

----------------------
Figure 1 is from the NASA Orbital Debris Program Office Education Package (2005)
Figure 2 is from NASA’s J-Track 3-D (November 16, 2008.) (please click to enlarge)

Why Should I Care About This Space Trash Problem, Anyway (1 of 9)

2008-11-21T13:00:00.000-05:00

The Effect of the Uncontrolled Growth of Space Debris on the Current and
Future Space Use of Artificial Satellites

The space around Earth is empty, isn’t it? Just occupied by the moon, a few comets and satellites, right? But the earth’s orbit has over 680.4 tons (3 million kilograms) of space debris, unusable man-made material speeding in Earth’s orbits; space “junk” made up of not only items accidentally lost during space missions, such as a glove lost on the first American spacewalk, a camera lost near the spacecraft Gemini 10 and so forth, but also discarded rocket stages, dead satellites and other abandoned spacecraft that are beyond their usefulness but cannot be sent back to earth (Tufte, 1990). But much of the debris is made up of the shattered fragments of such deserted spacecraft, due to collisions with other debris or normal wear and tear of use. For example, all 31 of the nuclear-powered Radar Ocean Reconnaissance satellites (RORSATs), launched from 1967 to 1988 by the Soviet Union, still orbit the Earth unused, but, due to a construction error they create a much bigger problem. 16 of the satellites leak liquid sodium-potassium reactor coolant, making tens of thousands of coolant droplets speeding around after the abandoned satellites, making the orbit extremely hazardous to any human use. But while the RORSAT problem is unique, the fact of debris has become commonplace. After 45 years of space use, there are known to be 17,000 objects larger than 3.9 inches in orbit, which is confirmed by debris monitoring by the US and other countries. But the projected amount of objects between .4 and 3.9 inches in diameter is g reater than 200,000, and the numbers of particles smaller than .4 inches, such as paint flakes and metal splinters, probably exceed 10,000,000. (Stansbury, 2005) This is in addition to thousands of orbital satellites that currently have considerable use.

Space Trash-an introduction

2008-11-20T03:01:00.000-05:00

The next few posts will cover a research paper about orbital debris. Orbital debris or space trash is a problem that most people are not aware of and probably can not get good information about (I know I had difficulty at first), but this is assuming that they care about such problems. This paper is intended to produce well-researched information that will educate about the effects of orbital debris on communication satellites and countries' reaction to this growing problem. It is intended to convince that orbital debris is a relevant problem to our everyday lives, and we should have an opinion on it.

Bibliography:

Broad, W. (2007, February 6). Orbiting Junk, Once a Nuisance, Is Now a Threat. Retrieved April 11, 2008,
Crowther, R. (2002) "Space Junk-Protecting Space for Future Generations (Policy Forum: Space Science). (Statistical Data Included)."[Electronic version] Science 296.
David, L. (2004) . Havoc in the Heavens: Soviet-Era Satellite's Leaky Reactor's Lethal Legacy Retrieved April 11, 2008, from Space News Website.
David, L. (2003)"Tossed in Space (Between the Lines). (Debris in Outer Space)." [Electronic Version] Foreign Policy
De Selding, P. (2004) FCC Enters Orbital Debris Debate. Retrieved April 12, 2008, from the Space News Website
Grinberg, M. (2007) "Risk: the Final Frontier. (FOREFRONT) (Dealing with Orbital Debris)." [Electronic version] Risk Management4.
Inter-Agency Space Debris Coordination Committee. (2007) IADC Space Debris Mitigation Guidelines. Retrieved March, 21 2008.
Japan. (2003) Hyper Velocity Impact Test of Kibo's Shield. Japan Aerospace Exploration Agency. Retrieved on March 15, 2008.
NASA. (2008)"Monthly Number of Catalogued Objects in Earth Orbit by Object Type." Chart. Orbital Debris Quarterly News. Retrieved March 15, 2008, from The NASA Orbital Debris Program Office Website
NASA "Chinese Anti-Satellite Test Creates Most Severe Orbital Debris Cloud in History." (2007) Orbital Debris Quarterly News. Retrieved March 15, 2008.
NASA. (2008) "Two Minor Fragmentations End Worst Debris Year Ever." Orbital Debris Quarterly News Retrieved March 15, 2008.
NASA Johnson Space Center Orbital Debris Program Office. Orbital Debris Education Package. (2005). Retrieved March 25, 2008, from .
NASA. (2007)"United States Adopts Space Debris Mitigation Guidelines." Orbital Debris Quarterly News. Retrieved March 15, 2008.
Primack, J. (2002)"Pelted by Paint, Downed by Debris: Missile Defenses Will Put Valuable Satellites At Even Greater Risk (Opinion)."[Electronic version] Bulletin of Atomic Scientists 58
Space law. (2008). In Encyclopædia Britannica Online. Retrieved March 16, 2008.
"Space Law: Frequently Asked Questions." (2006) Retrieved March 15, 2008 from the United Nations Office for Outer Space Affairs Website.
Stansbery, E."Orbital Debris Frequently Asked Questions."(2005) NASA Orbital Debris Program Office. Retrieved March 15, 2008.
Taggart, S. (2001) Australians Take Mir Deorbit Risks in Stride. Retrieved April 12, 2008, from the Space News Website.
Taku Otsuka (Director).Fact Meets Fiction: a Discussion with NASA's Orbital Debris Program Office Part One. (2005) [Motion Picture]. Japan/United States: Bandai Entertainment INC.
Walls, B. (2007) NASA’s J-Track 3-D [Computer software]. NASA.
"What is Orbital Debris?" (2005) Center for Orbital and Reentry Debris Studies. From Retrieved March 15, 2008, from The Aerospace Corporation Website.

photographs (1 of who knows)

2008-11-15T17:45:00.000-05:00

Here are some photographs to even out the blocks of text.

Modernism and Post-Modernism

2008-11-15T16:43:00.000-05:00

I recently (about two weeks ago) attended a lecture by Michael Fried for and about the art movement modernism. Here are my thoughts and notes from the lecture.
While the wiki article is through, it does not cover the fact that modernism "was coming to grips with visual issues in art." It was not just a reaction to WWII (though it certainly did include that) or a series of gimmicks, but there were "deep pictorial issues involved."
How so? Art is a language of expression, and until modernism, the language was fairly strict, the majority of art created was representational. This is not to say that art itself hadn't been headed in this direction for some time, because that certainly was not the case. Modernism was both the logical conclusion and unexpected explosion of the language of art into. . . I am not sure what it is now, communication unfettered from language? or has it been transformed into a language so that it can be understood by everyone?

(I am just in art school, so it seems like a language, a lot of rules and grammar, but I know that once you know the rules, you can understand the base form of what other people see and break that form into tiny little bits. You can break rules consciously and use them knowingly, each appropriate to your message. It makes your communication a message to others, other than a speech.
But that doesn't mean I like learning grammar.)

I don't know, really. I have big dreams of the the world should be, from the stories other people tell, but finding other people to communicate this to who will listen/who see the same is difficult, at least with people my age (who, mainly, have never thought about this at all). I suppose perhaps, I am not communicating well enough for something like this.

"I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to [communicate] the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is." (Terry Pratchett)

But going back to the topic of art, i have some notes of which have caused me to think more throughly about the possibilities of what art can be.

Art is (any combination of the below):
-an idea merged with the canvas, it is one entity
-an object in a world of objects, all interacting with one another-one term in a larger space (this is the view of minimalism, rather than modernism, and not held by Fried, but I had to disagree with him on this point)
-an experience ( the opinion the Fried has is that "theatricality" is "too easy", and this i do agree with, but i feel that it does not make it any less true)
-relational- the different relations/interactions of the objects within the art create the meaning
-expressive-it has a meaning (i believe that if there is no meaning, it is not art. There are many things that look like art that are not art. I am ashamed that I have done so and probably will continue to do so in the future. And all in the name of lucre)
-questing/experimental
-authority/majesty on a canvas
-ease of gesture
-tensity-is there a conflict?
-meaningful to itself- all meaning it has is contained in it/self-sufficient (this is the view of modernism, it is when the painting has no interaction with the viewer, it has a feeling of voyeurism, that the figures are not acting for the viewer's benefit)

Updating

2008-11-06T04:41:00.000-05:00

You might wonder why the updating of this blog is so weird.
It is because I update this when I stay up until 4 am, ignoring homework and unable to tear myself away from the internet. (and I have read all the current webcomic updates of the ones I love)
These items are just things I have previously written or free thought writing and photos from my extensive personal photo gallery. (I take a lot of photos, it has kind of replaced my drawing journal, even though it shouldn't have, because I will never be an animator at this rate, and even though I may never be, I cannot bear to give that dream up just yet.)

I may just post photos in the future, or just write stuff for the photos. Or just look for a job instead. Whichever.

Red

2008-11-06T04:34:00.000-05:00

Red was all alone. While Lime jazzed against the background, while Navy mellowed, receding to jam with Olive, while Burnt Sienna spasmed; Red was by itself, separated from the others by a large stretch of empty canvas. Red hated this composition, because it was lonely. Red's only dream was to have friends; to influence and to be influenced by. It wanted to mix its notes, it's ideas of music with all others, to become more than just Red smeared across the canvas; it wanted to become part of a stunning visual composition. Red blared his feelings across the painting, expressing the ideas of yearning and alienation to the other colors that it envied.
For weeks it blared and bugled, trumpeted and sounded, trying to communicate with them, trying to establish a friendship it so desperately wanted. But the other colors were an insular group with inflexible ideas of music, and they quickly dismissed Red's attempts at communication as the work of an amateur. They insulted and mocked him, thinking of themselves as experts and critics of their field.

“What is that din? It doesn't sound like it comes from any real color.”
“More like the sad leavings of a child's finger paints.”
“Just terrible”
“It sounds like it comes from the brownishgrey lump of stickiness that lies in the bottom of the paintbox for years, becaus-
“We understood what you meant the first time.”
“- it is so nasty looking”

But, in truth, they couldn't understand why Red was relentless in his work. So they “suffered” through Red's compositions day in and day out. And while they didn't accept his work as professional, they couldn't help but to use some pieces of his arrangements, some of the ways he liked to place loud and soft sections together, just due to the fact that they heard him playing constantly for weeks. And unknowingly, protestingly (if they did know), all of the other colors began to adopt some of Red's style on their own compositions.
But as the weeks went by with no reply from the others, Red's songs became full of doubt as it slowly began to suspect that its efforts were futile. Eventually, a tremor of insecurity crawled through its subconscious, sliming in and through the senses with a trail of wavering dreams. Red tried to brush it out of its consciousness. It failed. This insecurity was reflected in his work as a gradual reticent sound quality, a gradual quieting of volume as Red tried to convince itself that its dream was worthwhile.
Red hadn't heard their replies because he was so relentless in his own efforts. Due to the combination of the distance separating the two groups and the sheer volume of it's playing, Red was rendered deaf to their replies. So Red wasn't dissuaded by the casual cruelty of his wish-friends, despite of the doubt, it still maintained a desire to become friends with them.
As Red's playing became quieter and quieter, the other colors became filled with glee. They had formed a plan to have Red “suffer” as much as they had, and it was finally time to implement their great plan. They played, trumpeted, bugled and blared. It was extremely loud, loud enough that it caused Red to finally stop playing.
As Red listened, it quickly became aware that these songs piercing over to his lonely stretch of canvas echoed its own melodies, its own arrangements of tone and tempo, but with alterations. And even though it was not exactly to its taste, Red couldn't help but notice how arresting it was. When Red understood this collaboration with his wish-now-for-real-friends, the tremors died. It had fulfilled his dream, it had made friends with the far away colors, it had helped to create a beautiful composition. Red unfalteringly began to play again, its music now filled with an exuberant joy in success.

----------------------------------------------
Another allegory, I suppose.

I want to tell you something important. . . .

2008-11-06T04:14:00.001-05:00

I want to tell you something important
Last night I dreamed of you
I dreamt that you gunned down twelve police officers
in a spray of anger and hate
because you couldn't live anymore.
You hated the world for what it had done to you.
You hated civilization
You hated what I had done to you.

I was the one at fault.

But I had to try to defend you against the town, against the state
I had to testify that you would not do that sort of thing
while I doubted.
While I lied.

After I told you all of this on the phone.
You just laughed.

But I am still terrified.

-----------------------------
I didn't stop loving you, you know.
I just. . . .
I don't know why I did those things.
I was afraid.
and I blamed you.

System.out.println

2008-11-06T04:00:00.000-05:00

System.out.println(“
People like you and I meet
here.
Of course we would.
Learning the future
of the world.
Of us.
You and I are the same today and tomorrow. . .
But will time and experience change us?
How can I know?
I do not know myself,
or even you.
I wish it would be different.
/n
Every time I see you, I want to tell you that you are beautiful.
Because, sometimes,in class, it is not enough
to only sit and think of you.
");

------------
Is it odd that I always crush on people in the programming classrooms?
But they are always so beautiful.

Chubby Lumpkins

2008-10-21T02:47:00.000-04:00

Chubby Lumpkins' once shining coat and flashing horn were dull now. He no longer shimmered through the trees and bushes of his home, no longer shone as he sat under the trees, no longer seemed like a ray of sunlight as he drank from the crystalline ponds and rivers of his home.

Chubby Lumpkins, as his name implied, was a rotund unicorn, an animal of wide girth. He wasn't born this way, oh no, when he was small he played as cheerfully and as nimbly as his other unicorn friends. But as he grew older, he played and ran less and less, slept and dreamed more and more. He loved to sleep, that Chubby Lumpkins, dreaming of beautiful princess who would brush his fur, comb his mane, and they would be the most beautiful friends all the other unicorns had ever seen. They would be jealous of his beauty and friendship. And he dreamt on.

One day while wandering, thinking the same thoughts he always thought, he went to drink from his favorite pond that he always drank from. He stretched out his neck to drink, filled with his thirst, and he suddenly saw an odd animal reflected in the waters. It was a grotesque pale horse-animal, drab and fat, balanced on stick-thin legs. He snapped his head back, surprised at the appearance of this hideous creature in his forest. But when the animal turned out to be himself, the one called Chubby Lumpkins, he was terrified. Had he been cursed, could unicorns be cursed? What had happened to him? What had happened to him?

Chubby Lumpkins, was thrown into a deep depression. He was no longer beautiful (had he ever been beautiful?); he no longer wanted to be seen. He hid in the deep thickets of the forest. He no longer dreamed of his elaborate fantasy, but dreamed of loneliness. No princess would want to brush his fur and comb his tail now. No princess would want to be friends with a unicorn such as he. He mourned for the life that he had lost.

He stayed there for many months, occasionally sneaking out under the cover of night to grab a few mouthfuls of nettles and water from the fast-moving streams. He did not want to see his reflection ever again. But the grass grew, the snows melted, and while Chubby Lumpkins now noticed it, he still could not contain his despair, still driven to seeing the mocking illusions of his dreams. He could not give up those dreams, they were all he had ever had.

So when he saw a maiden sitting on the banks of the river, drinking from his favorite pond, sleeping under his trees, he dismissed them as delusions and passed on. Were they all delusions, though? Unicorns are rare creatures, magical and full of a certain power. Even the broken-hearted Chubby Lumpkins had those aspects still. Even if he couldn't see them, there were others who did and they sought him out.

Perhaps Chubby Lumpkins was caught by them, perhaps he left his forest, driven to seek new lands like he sought a new self; perhaps he found a princess to comb his hair and braid his tail and brush him until he shone; perhaps he exercised and became the unicorn he dreamed of being. All I know is that when the trees started to bloom, filling the air with their love, I never saw Chubby again.

-----------------------------------------
I never did.

majors

2008-10-21T02:42:00.000-04:00

I am a studio art major right now. Next semester I am going to try to be an IT major. This is my life. Web design. Yeah! Love that web design. I also love programming. Love it sooo much. It is like logic math but more logical and less math, if that makes sense. But I alos love comics and photoshop and drawing and writing and reading. And biology. and ecology. and philosophy. . . .

The Meaning of Art

2008-10-02T05:34:00.001-04:00

“What is the meaning of art?”, the professor asked.
To me, this query seemed the kind of bait and switch question so commonly used in classrooms everywhere. What is the cubed root of nine? What is the function of memory in a computer? What is the color of George Washington's white horse? The kind of question where it at first, seemed difficult but when was pondered, was laughably obvious. My classmates were thoughtfully silent, however.

The meaning of art, I thought, had an answer, a logical pathway paved by what was already known and theorized about art. If art reflected life, as proposed by the classical masters; if art reflected the artist, as proposed by the contemporaries; if art only reflected the audience, as proposed by Dadaists, than what was art all in all? I had concluded long before this moment in time, that if all of those theories proposed were all valid, than everything was art; everything is art, every thought, every note, every conversation, every leaf and beam of sunlight, every thing.

I was dismissive, then, about the usefulness of this discussion in my education. If this class did not further my education,then, perhaps, I was not the one being taught.; and so could just watch the expressions of the others as they came to the meaning, and, voyeur-like, partake of the joy of discovery. But when the discussion raged on past the ten minute mark, I questioned myself.

They raised questions about the different aspects of art: the idea, the expression, the money. They talked about commissions, classical painters, Dadaism, the modern philosophy of art and what they had heard from others. But for all of this time and questioning, all the people in the classroom had a hesitancy about their voices. They seemed to be questioning the idea within themselves like it was the first time. Maybe it was the first time for many or all of them, an unwelcome revelation.

I became filled with a slowly overwhelming urge to speak out my passionate philosophy. I wanted them to stop questioning. I wanted to know why this idea so based upon a logic was so foreign to them. I wanted to feel like my idea, which seemed so sensible until now, was not the looming revolution. This felt purely selfish, to bring upon them this strange idea, but I couldn't constrain myself.
I raised my hand to be called upon for an opinion. I kept it raised at every opportunity. I left it laid upon my head, to reach the air faster. I switched hands when my arm became tired. I was impatient to be called, so when the professor said “One last opinion before we leave,” I hoped I would finally be called, finally have everyone understand something at least. I hoped.
But another girl whose had had caught the professor's attention, even though mine had been raised all this time, was called upon. I do not remember her remarks in the growing murmur of people packing, and perhaps mine would have been remembered the sameby others. I was dejected all the same, I had given up my moment to connect to them and no time would have been as perfect as that time, perhaps my philosophy was wrong, perhaps if it was right, it would have been heard.. I couldn't even grudge the energy to speak to my professor about the idea I hadn't been able to share, that he could at least, hear. So I kept in within my now questioning self and left for home.

-------------------------------------------------

This I made for my creative writing class two weeks ago about an experience I had the week before. Hopefully this didn't come away as sounding too uptight or superior, I really wasn't, it was mainly just an alienating experience. . . .

I have some older stuff, but as I cannot access it, (curse you, Microsoft and your proprietary formats) it is going to have to wait. Which I don't know if you can, because I wrote this awesome. It is a fascinating topic, despite what you may think.

2008-10-02T05:17:00.000-04:00

Okay, I will try to update this more often. But this is going to be more like the old format, random writings and rants that I have written/feel like writing. So again, if stuff doesn't make sense, please tell me, so I can strive for greater clarity in my writing, which is my main weakness.

just kidding

2008-08-05T22:33:00.000-04:00

Actually, I wasn't. But I was filled with a desire to work on my other projects before this, so the previous idea will be very much scaled down. i will just update when I have the time. But you can look forward to the start of some new webcomics.

Blagging

2008-08-03T00:40:00.000-04:00

I am going to restart my blag, but with more purpose (and more interest) this time.

I am only going to travail you with my tortured thoughts and prose on Mondays, introducing the theme for the week (so you can skip that day if you want).
-Tuesday I am going to review a book, or at least the part of the book I finished so far. August 6, (this coming Tuesday) I going to explain my conclusions of Joseph Campbell's Flight of the Wild Gander, in which he explores the use of myths and fairy tales on people's understanding of the spiritual and existential. It's pretty cool, nonetheless.
-Wednesday is about living and having fun cheaper and more "green"(sometimes). This coming Wednesday involves the meaning behind this decision(because, believe it or not, I don't actually like that term).
-Thursday is an open day, in which I am going to write about whatever is fun.
-Friday is about creating things, art, crafts, food, etc.This Friday, I will chronicle how to make paper and a paper mould. This is with the addition of a link to a free, legal song EVERY day.
So hopefully, this will not be too stressful to me, or too boring for you, and I will stick to this schedule this time. Thanks for reading. :D And here is the rest of it.

revival

2008-06-29T22:53:00.000-04:00

I seem to have taken a break from this statue to my pride, a private statue in a public place, a scribbled graffiti in the rafters. It exists, but if no one sees it, does it really serve a purpose and is it really necessary in the long run? Anita heart Norman. A monument of a moment in time, a piece of memory to the ones who wrote it but a defilement nonetheless.
But the reason for the large gap was a doubting my worth, a doubting of who I was and
why I even wanted to be a creator of anything in the first place. Did I do it for the sheer need, for fame or money? No, for a much smaller and paltry purpose, I create because I want love and acceptance. I doubted how I had been living my life. I had finally become accepted, I had friends, a boyfriend who loved me and I him, a home, that was unlike my family home. As it turns out, I create only in the throes of deepest turmoil, of extreme loneliness. And this is all rather cliche, I'm aware, but. . . I think it is the truth.

People make changes, do things in their life for different reasons, they doubt for noble and (seeming) meaningless things, but for whatever reason they do, it doesn't makes their feelings less real, less painful or pleasurable.
I questioned my life once, not in the throes of emotion, making a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but questioning whether it would be better for me to die early rather than suffer a seeming eternity of mediocrity. Oh yes, the experiences would most likely be better for me, but was it worth the cost of boredom? So I resolved to die. I would not hurt myself, because that is a desecration, but to waste away, to neglect myself, since I was half-there already, to just continue to journey, to isolate myself and create with my dying sentiments. It was pure romantic nonsense, and the next evening I couldn't keep myself to my inward pledge, since it was awfully silly. But it didn't make my self-pain any less painful, any less a lesson. I had reneged my promise to the princess of the wrong kingdom when I had become lost in my quest for happiness. I wished I could have kept my honor, but I desired my life over my nobility. After logical thought, I realized I did not want to be endlessly tilting with the futile windmills of death for all eternity, endlessly missing out on the summer blockbusters that everyone is going to be talking about when you go back to school.
"I got married and raised a family" "I thought I was going to grow up to be a bachelor all of my life, but then I found her." "I taught children how to think, you to reason and make good decisions" "I devoted my life to helping the less fortunate find jobs and contribute to their happiness." "I killed myself when I was almost 20 in a fit of pique, of the questioning that we are all subject to when we are in the company of ourselves"

I must have been emotional then, not to see the logic. It would definitely not be better for me to die at this time, and maybe I should suffer through the tedium for now, suffer through it like I have done all my life, by creating my own floating cloud-castles and only coming down to resupply for food and toilet paper.
It is not a good living, it makes you distant from other people, cold , cynical and bored with the guided life that everyone else leads. Get up early in the morning, go to work/school, do the tasks assigned, go home, do more tasks, keep up with the Johnsons, follow society's rules, go to sleep and escape from it all until you are woken by the alarm. It sounds like I'm going through a mid-life crisis or something, or I am a teen-ager. Maybe I am both. Maybe also, rebelling gets old. It is self-centered and selfish, a bubble only for you. There is only the lone rebel.
Those packs of teen "rebels without a clue" who are disdained because they rebel in self-contained cliques who tend to dissipate, because while the concept is quite the high school ideal, it collapses because high school ideal is also a concept.
And so I stopped rebelling all this time, I quite happily gave up selfish pride to become happy for once in my life. But now that happiness is empty and soaked in the color of regret and soul-sickness. So while I desire to be filled with love once again, to be normal, I cannot. Maybe it is fated that my life will be filled with this loneliness and distance. And maybe. . . I should learn to be happy with myself and not exagggerate my differences to make myself seem more important in my own eyes. But I suppose I must suffer through it for my own-wellbeing.

Re:Thoughts

2007-12-25T20:04:00.000-05:00

Now that I reread my thoughts, which were written in one of the (what feels like) many low points in my life, but this particular time was sometime in July or August 2007, I kind of hate myself a little. My low points aren't really low, I didn't have any major traumas, experiences or difficulties, i come from a upper-middle class family who is never really low on money, but has significant credit card debt, I have really wonderful friends and family, I love God and my religion, so my problems are kind of invalid as anything important, really. But I guess that's why we are people, because we are different, and have different problems that make us stronger.
It also seems really . . . proud, to make an entire website devoted to me and my problems.

and public. I seem to forget that.. . . .

drat. I feel i have to post this, just to explain those troubling, odd posts. I was definitely depressed during those three days, to dwell on such things. And I pretty much wrote what came though my head at that time, just put through a filter of prose. It's not attempting to be mean, cruel, or harsh on any sort of clique, group or person, It is just the way I used to view the world . . . while I was depressed, so that pretty much explains a lot.

The Wilson effect

2007-12-19T04:05:00.000-05:00

Does getting older magically allow you to understand the world better? I fully believed that knowledge and intelligence was what mostly counted for that, and since I had both in quite large amounts (relatively, you have to understand that this is what I thought about in elementary school), I knew and understood quite a bit about the world. But, I haven't been as philosophical, or very knowledge-seeking since then, but i definitely know a lot more about how the world's society works, so that train of thought can't be true, or rather I skipped the step beforehand. Experiences are what helps you understand . . . and maybe passing puberty. :3 (All those hormones racing through your body certainly doesn't help the thinking process.) But experiences->more knowledge/memories/learning, and while some people do start out with a lot of intelligence, years definitely increase it.

i have met a few,for a lack of a better word,"gifted" people, while they might be brilliant at math or English, they have really horrible social skills. But that's just in my experience, while i might be a lot smarter than the average person, I, myself am not "G/T" worthy (at least according to FCPS).
Maybe having a well-rounded life is what does it. All those books and reality avoidance is not a good basis for your life, i think. How can you function in the world when you don't really live in it? And while you can make all the excuses you want about the benefits of it, no one, near the end of their life, is going to regret that they didn't study enough, or read enough books, or didn't put in enough hours at work(with the exception of religion), but most people will regret that they didn't have enough close friends, or separated themselves from their family, or didn't help enough people.But why wait till the end of your life to regret?

maybe this all comes from my 6 month withdrawal from school, or life rather, at my age. I've come to appreciate these things, friends, family, the requirement of having money to survive. I have been slacking on my artistic work, which i can almost regret, but everything else I have become, i just can't bring myself to do it. Also, it might be the fact that i hate regrets, they mostly serve no useful purpose, because who can change the past? Regret is just there so you don't make the same mistake in the future, but a mental memo does the same thing and is much less painful. . . .but is a lot less memorable. . . but i just don't like pain.

A Meager Paridise

2007-12-11T02:24:00.000-05:00

A meager paradise
When arid toil and liquid river time
Fall below the smell of blue
Construct an incident carnival
Where stormy post night
Hurdles earthward
Through solitary rhythm and stalking music

A sterile paridise
That creates dream desire against
the grey canvas
Those taunt muscles expand and retract
Clawing to create new idea
But a labor-filled year passes and no progress is evident

best song ever

2007-12-05T15:12:00.001-05:00

Get this widget

Track details

eSnips Social DNA

I didn't make this, but is is great.

Modernity

2007-12-05T15:00:00.000-05:00

Passions, love and death,
Guiding forces
That are now replaced by civilization and cold steel.

Squid Kid

2007-12-03T00:41:00.000-05:00

He's a squid kid. insular, and full of lothing. His only real friend is Thoreau, the arachnid kid, who is the main character of the story.

Thoughts-page 3 of 8

2007-12-02T00:35:00.000-05:00

When I first recieved by eye-corrective lenses, they allowed
me to distinguish leaves on a tree, ripples in a stream-
a green frog in the tall, green weeds but it did not fix
my major problem-the reason why I had to get them.
The yuppies, the indie, the emos, the goth, the anime freaks, the wanna-be blacks with their lack of melanin-and more
all with degrees of sight loss-with only a few
pieces of the giant replica of big ben, the pieces that hardly even make a curve of an arch
Putting everyone's togeather won't help though, because they're all the same pieces-copies of the same construction
but no two exactly different.
Half-thoughts,daydreaming lives, so real I want to leave this one and go to the next.
Spider-children, coma adventures-wolves that act like wolves in a manner you expect. Seconds before the alarm sounds (before the drama) for school warnings, I am filled with longing for what I cannot be, cannot find.
Frighening me into insomnia by such depth of emotion
My lives but not me-laid bare and hidden for my terrified perusual and desire.

thoughts-page 2 of 8

2007-12-01T23:36:00.000-05:00

. . . . more than the amount of stars in the multiverse, more
than the size of the sum total of all knowledge, more than the number or dreams dreamed by dreamers.
the immense size of the grave that ressurection doesn't cover-like an
insurance plan that you boss pays for, thinking more about profit than good.

profit is nothing-symbols and numbers that equate to little, flapping paper bits and tiddlywink coins that you lose in the couch and drop on the ground that no one bothers to pick up-like the government's trust in the people.
the flip side of that card is the old maid-the woman who
few know of and no one believes in enough to love
The few and mighty against the the ostrich-like masses-
the cockroach-like masses who scurry and and hide their minds
from the sun-the shining son-The few who attempt
to discover the shiny, shiny light are ridiculed-tossed aside like 2nd tier presidential canidates.
who was aware that we put those people on a pedestal?
they are no examples to my people-the people of amnesiac bats, falling onto the truth by predestined luck and fated chance
but unable to see it-just able to listen to the ultrasonic waves.

the ultrasonic waves of change-bouncing back from the problems that no one can see because we will not use our eyes, weak things that they are.. . ..

Listen to the snow

2007-12-01T02:48:00.000-05:00

audio is "listen to the silence". this is a short video i took last year in Febuary. it's not exciting, no, but i think it has a quiet charm. also, since no snow yet in NoVa, this is what i can look at to pretend a snowfall... . oops, i lie, the night after i posted this, it snowed. only a little bit, but i was still excited.

lighting tutorial

2007-11-29T14:34:00.000-05:00

. . . .it's not that bad.

Fractured. . .. again

2007-11-28T01:03:00.000-05:00

drops of water fall onto the steamy flatware
it is ignored, mostly, for what is the reaction to such?
sobs, laughter, they sound the same from a distance, a distance
that people desire
distance that i desire
a distance from raw emotion-emotion that is seen as weak, disturbing
natural emotion
you feel that this could be a problem?
not could, is.

. . . life is hard, and everyone knows it is hard, so why is it then, that no one works to make it easier, for themselves or others? well, that statement wasn't true, because many people do try to help others, lifting their spirits and weightening their bellies, raising children, and just being kind. but those seem to be few and far between, and now we reach the dilemma. . . . .

thoughts-page 1 of 8

2007-11-23T22:50:00.000-05:00

In retrospect, I saw my mind go mad-slowly at first, than
more quickly-a rollercoater of soul-
searing
degradation at the
peak-swaying between the two ways open to me,
one-already passed and no undoing of life allowed
two-an illuminated parkway to a sure death
The option that i wish for, society will not let me choose.
To float away from the carnival of
eternal
commericals,
forever selling this, that and themselves-sold
on the idea that fame equates the fulfillment of all desires

"I have learned that the swiftest traveller is he that goes afoot. . . . If a
man should work all day for a train fare-than I shall always be before him-
travelling to my destination on my own two feet-and I shall be the better for it."

Fame is a facade, sham, hollow like the chocolate rabbits we used to eat
at easter, hollow like the commercialized holidays we celebrate now-
that are focused on the getting/the posession of all things,ideas and people.
This "love" promoted from all stories,plays and films-
from the x-rated,
to the television that is marketed to the 0-3 month olds-
that is another possession of the soul.
The soul is free-hindred only by the belief of hinderment.
Rules, laws, commandments, wings to your soul.
Sex, "true love", isolation of the soul, weights to the spiritual.
That grave is more than six-feet under, more than six-feet long and three-feet
wide, much much more than the 108 cubic feet .
. . . . . .

2007-11-22T21:23:00.000-05:00

Discovery

Manners

2007-11-15T23:48:00.000-05:00

Some Victorian Manners:

Learn to govern yourself and to be gentle and patient.
Never speak or act in anger.
Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.
Learn to speak in a gentle tone of voice.
Learn to say kind and pleasant things when opportunity offers.
Do not neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of others.Learn to deny yourself and prefer others
A real gentility never swears or talks uproariously. He should never fail to raise his hat politely to an acquaintance of either sex. If he should bump into someone or step upon a lady’s dress he must "beg their pardon", and at no time should he lose his temper nor attract attention by excited conversation.
A lady walks quietly through the streets, seeing and hearing nothing that she ought not to, recognizing acquaintances with a courteous bow, and friends with words of greeting. She is always unobtrusive, never talks loudly, or laughs boisterously, or does anything to attract the attention of the passers-by. She walks along in her own quiet, lady-like way, and by her preoccupation is secure from any annoyance. A true lady in the street, as in the parlor is modest, discreet, kind and obliging.

Modern manners

. . . . . none, it seems

--------------------------
Who is the more civilized?

PTBs-sample

2007-11-15T15:55:00.000-05:00

It usually starts with an anonymous phone call or a chance meeting of an anachronistic knife-shapening vendor. But, my story evidently isn't cool enough for that. I like the truth-possibly because my life is to alter that truth, so i will tell you what really happened, even though it will sound really uninteresting and "commonplace" compared to the fast-flying rumors. But i have a few things to clear up, before it starts.

First: Love spells are pure fiction, and zombies are immune to pretty much all spells anyway.

Second: He wasn't really a zombie, it was more like his metabolism worked differently than a humanoid's does. He's a belief-based lifeform.

. . . . . .

Caution! Hard Hat area

2007-11-15T06:02:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about making an odd sort of thing, where words, ideas, dreams, and images all collide in a spew of inspiration, splattering all over the screens of computers everywhere, dribbling through the comforting blue glow that i grow towards now. but this is not that blog, this is a pitiful attempt at trying to make that blog exist in the harsh, cruel world of the "internets", where everything must be put to the flame and watch! as the framework cringes inward, crumpling the interior like a disposable soda can is thrown into the trash can that sits patiently beside the recycling bin that feels it lacks a purpose, which is a strange comparison to those thoughtless arsonists and myself. I do not wish to bring everything back to myself, as that sort of blogging is uninteresting and repetitive, but the reality of it is "I would not talk so much about myself if there was another person i knew as well."
Suggestions, Comments of this, creates an almost sentient, self-perpetuating novel of the human mind, an organ in which i am fascinated with.

Caution! Hard Hat area

This thing which we call music

2007-11-15T03:17:00.000-05:00

Music is the soul-catcher. When we have nightmares or pretty fantasies, music calls it up and snarls it in the thread-count of our heart and mind. The nubbles on a well-worn sweater are nothing compared to the reaction of a concert crowd. I used to cut those nubbles off when i found them out, but now i wear them, not with pride, no, but with a certain self-satisfied awareness. plus, it can make holes in the garment, and while it doesn't make it unwearable, "It would be easier for them to hobble to town with a broken leg than with a broken pantaloon. Often if an accident happens to a gentleman's legs, they can be mended; but if a similar accident happens to the legs of his pantaloons, there is no help for it; for he considers, not what is truly respectable, but what is respected."
http://www.myspace.com/caninus

Ah, those standard Thoreau quotations, how you have explained so many of the questions i have had about life and the society of man, or rather the modern idea of a society.( And now this tanget curves back upon itself, making a two-leaved clover of thought.)
Ah, music. Not so strangely, though, the evolution of music has piggybacked on technology. The formative thousand years, where things were thought progressive, but comparitively, the common modern person usually cannot distinguish between those centennials, but can distingish between the relitavely recent ideas of genres, and even subgenres.
but this thought really isn't a good basis for scientific theories of society, the arts, and technology. Much more so would be a timeline comparision of the accepted ideas of society and class, thecnology and the impact of society and a flow chart of the genres of music and what they represent in societial rebellion.(which sounds like a paper i would not know how to start) despite what you may be thinking, science and music are almost co-partners in progressiveness, and have progressed because of the bastardization of the ideas of politeness in society. (Here is the third leaf stemming out from the center) Music is all about the society that produced the mind creating it, though, some exceptions do tend to be universal in their message. http://www.ubu.com/outsiders/365/2003/087.shtml
though, tumbledryers may not be that universal.
regardless, society and music, that requires thought and application to the society of self. What does your music say about you? What does the mind-warping array of genres say about society as a whole? What does the (nearly useless) extreme usage of the phrase "selling out" mean to about childish cliques whose attraction and repulsion of various artists depend on such a label? Why do you like the music you do? I find that pondering such things makes me rather thankful for my life, and for the wonderul artists whose ideas and dreams and been snarled in mine. (and now we have a lucky four leaf clover.)
http://www.archive.org/details/plague012
(and now it's been devoured by a plague of locusts, locusts that you invite into your house for a cup of tea. insects don't make polite guests.)