Now that I reread my thoughts, which were written in one of the (what feels like) many low points in my life, but this particular time was sometime in July or August 2007, I kind of hate myself a little. My low points aren't really low, I didn't have any major traumas, experiences or difficulties, i come from a upper-middle class family who is never really low on money, but has significant credit card debt, I have really wonderful friends and family, I love God and my religion, so my problems are kind of invalid as anything important, really. But I guess that's why we are people, because we are different, and have different problems that make us stronger.
It also seems really . . . proud, to make an entire website devoted to me and my problems.
and public. I seem to forget that.. . . .
drat. I feel i have to post this, just to explain those troubling, odd posts. I was definitely depressed during those three days, to dwell on such things. And I pretty much wrote what came though my head at that time, just put through a filter of prose. It's not attempting to be mean, cruel, or harsh on any sort of clique, group or person, It is just the way I used to view the world . . . while I was depressed, so that pretty much explains a lot.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
The Wilson effect
Does getting older magically allow you to understand the world better? I fully believed that knowledge and intelligence was what mostly counted for that, and since I had both in quite large amounts (relatively, you have to understand that this is what I thought about in elementary school), I knew and understood quite a bit about the world. But, I haven't been as philosophical, or very knowledge-seeking since then, but i definitely know a lot more about how the world's society works, so that train of thought can't be true, or rather I skipped the step beforehand. Experiences are what helps you understand . . . and maybe passing puberty. :3 (All those hormones racing through your body certainly doesn't help the thinking process.) But experiences->more knowledge/memories/learning, and while some people do start out with a lot of intelligence, years definitely increase it.
i have met a few,for a lack of a better word,"gifted" people, while they might be brilliant at math or English, they have really horrible social skills. But that's just in my experience, while i might be a lot smarter than the average person, I, myself am not "G/T" worthy (at least according to FCPS).
Maybe having a well-rounded life is what does it. All those books and reality avoidance is not a good basis for your life, i think. How can you function in the world when you don't really live in it? And while you can make all the excuses you want about the benefits of it, no one, near the end of their life, is going to regret that they didn't study enough, or read enough books, or didn't put in enough hours at work(with the exception of religion), but most people will regret that they didn't have enough close friends, or separated themselves from their family, or didn't help enough people.But why wait till the end of your life to regret?
maybe this all comes from my 6 month withdrawal from school, or life rather, at my age. I've come to appreciate these things, friends, family, the requirement of having money to survive. I have been slacking on my artistic work, which i can almost regret, but everything else I have become, i just can't bring myself to do it. Also, it might be the fact that i hate regrets, they mostly serve no useful purpose, because who can change the past? Regret is just there so you don't make the same mistake in the future, but a mental memo does the same thing and is much less painful. . . .but is a lot less memorable. . . but i just don't like pain.
i have met a few,for a lack of a better word,"gifted" people, while they might be brilliant at math or English, they have really horrible social skills. But that's just in my experience, while i might be a lot smarter than the average person, I, myself am not "G/T" worthy (at least according to FCPS).
Maybe having a well-rounded life is what does it. All those books and reality avoidance is not a good basis for your life, i think. How can you function in the world when you don't really live in it? And while you can make all the excuses you want about the benefits of it, no one, near the end of their life, is going to regret that they didn't study enough, or read enough books, or didn't put in enough hours at work(with the exception of religion), but most people will regret that they didn't have enough close friends, or separated themselves from their family, or didn't help enough people.But why wait till the end of your life to regret?
maybe this all comes from my 6 month withdrawal from school, or life rather, at my age. I've come to appreciate these things, friends, family, the requirement of having money to survive. I have been slacking on my artistic work, which i can almost regret, but everything else I have become, i just can't bring myself to do it. Also, it might be the fact that i hate regrets, they mostly serve no useful purpose, because who can change the past? Regret is just there so you don't make the same mistake in the future, but a mental memo does the same thing and is much less painful. . . .but is a lot less memorable. . . but i just don't like pain.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
A Meager Paridise
A meager paradise
When arid toil and liquid river time
Fall below the smell of blue
Construct an incident carnival
Where stormy post night
Hurdles earthward
Through solitary rhythm and stalking music
A sterile paridise
That creates dream desire against
the grey canvas
Those taunt muscles expand and retract
Clawing to create new idea
But a labor-filled year passes and no progress is evident
When arid toil and liquid river time
Fall below the smell of blue
Construct an incident carnival
Where stormy post night
Hurdles earthward
Through solitary rhythm and stalking music
A sterile paridise
That creates dream desire against
the grey canvas
Those taunt muscles expand and retract
Clawing to create new idea
But a labor-filled year passes and no progress is evident
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Modernity
Passions, love and death,
Guiding forces
That are now replaced by civilization and cold steel.
Monday, December 3, 2007
Squid Kid
He's a squid kid. insular, and full of lothing. His only real friend is Thoreau, the arachnid kid, who is the main character of the story.
Sunday, December 2, 2007
Thoughts-page 3 of 8
When I first recieved by eye-corrective lenses, they allowed
me to distinguish leaves on a tree, ripples in a stream-
a green frog in the tall, green weeds but it did not fix
my major problem-the reason why I had to get them.
The yuppies, the indie, the emos, the goth, the anime freaks, the wanna-be blacks with their lack of melanin-and more
all with degrees of sight loss-with only a few
pieces of the giant replica of big ben, the pieces that hardly even make a curve of an arch
Putting everyone's togeather won't help though, because they're all the same pieces-copies of the same construction
but no two exactly different.
Half-thoughts,daydreaming lives, so real I want to leave this one and go to the next.
Spider-children, coma adventures-wolves that act like wolves in a manner you expect. Seconds before the alarm sounds (before the drama) for school warnings, I am filled with longing for what I cannot be, cannot find.
Frighening me into insomnia by such depth of emotion
My lives but not me-laid bare and hidden for my terrified perusual and desire.
me to distinguish leaves on a tree, ripples in a stream-
a green frog in the tall, green weeds but it did not fix
my major problem-the reason why I had to get them.
The yuppies, the indie, the emos, the goth, the anime freaks, the wanna-be blacks with their lack of melanin-and more
all with degrees of sight loss-with only a few
pieces of the giant replica of big ben, the pieces that hardly even make a curve of an arch
Putting everyone's togeather won't help though, because they're all the same pieces-copies of the same construction
but no two exactly different.
Half-thoughts,daydreaming lives, so real I want to leave this one and go to the next.
Spider-children, coma adventures-wolves that act like wolves in a manner you expect. Seconds before the alarm sounds (before the drama) for school warnings, I am filled with longing for what I cannot be, cannot find.
Frighening me into insomnia by such depth of emotion
My lives but not me-laid bare and hidden for my terrified perusual and desire.
Saturday, December 1, 2007
thoughts-page 2 of 8
. . . . more than the amount of stars in the multiverse, more
than the size of the sum total of all knowledge, more than the number or dreams dreamed by dreamers.
the immense size of the grave that ressurection doesn't cover-like an
insurance plan that you boss pays for, thinking more about profit than good.
profit is nothing-symbols and numbers that equate to little, flapping paper bits and tiddlywink coins that you lose in the couch and drop on the ground that no one bothers to pick up-like the government's trust in the people.
the flip side of that card is the old maid-the woman who
few know of and no one believes in enough to love
The few and mighty against the the ostrich-like masses-
the cockroach-like masses who scurry and and hide their minds
from the sun-the shining son-The few who attempt
to discover the shiny, shiny light are ridiculed-tossed aside like 2nd tier presidential canidates.
who was aware that we put those people on a pedestal?
they are no examples to my people-the people of amnesiac bats, falling onto the truth by predestined luck and fated chance
but unable to see it-just able to listen to the ultrasonic waves.
the ultrasonic waves of change-bouncing back from the problems that no one can see because we will not use our eyes, weak things that they are.. . ..
than the size of the sum total of all knowledge, more than the number or dreams dreamed by dreamers.
the immense size of the grave that ressurection doesn't cover-like an
insurance plan that you boss pays for, thinking more about profit than good.
profit is nothing-symbols and numbers that equate to little, flapping paper bits and tiddlywink coins that you lose in the couch and drop on the ground that no one bothers to pick up-like the government's trust in the people.
the flip side of that card is the old maid-the woman who
few know of and no one believes in enough to love
The few and mighty against the the ostrich-like masses-
the cockroach-like masses who scurry and and hide their minds
from the sun-the shining son-The few who attempt
to discover the shiny, shiny light are ridiculed-tossed aside like 2nd tier presidential canidates.
who was aware that we put those people on a pedestal?
they are no examples to my people-the people of amnesiac bats, falling onto the truth by predestined luck and fated chance
but unable to see it-just able to listen to the ultrasonic waves.
the ultrasonic waves of change-bouncing back from the problems that no one can see because we will not use our eyes, weak things that they are.. . ..
Listen to the snow
audio is "listen to the silence". this is a short video i took last year in Febuary. it's not exciting, no, but i think it has a quiet charm. also, since no snow yet in NoVa, this is what i can look at to pretend a snowfall... . oops, i lie, the night after i posted this, it snowed. only a little bit, but i was still excited.
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